Sometimes we choose our life calling, sometimes it chooses us. Honestly, I don’t know how true this is but what I know for certain is how this blog came about and as crazy as it sounds, it feels like a calling. Over the past few years I’ve felt like my life was on the brink of something big but nothing ever seemed to materialize. More than anything I’ve felt like I’ve had one MAJOR life challenge after another that felt like roadblocks moving me backwards while all of my hopes and dreams passed by. At one point I wondered if perhaps I was misinterpreted my feeling. Or was possibly imagining it. Until I recently when listened to a podcast in which Sean Croxton interviewed Lissa Rakin about her book “The Anatomy of a Calling” (I highly recommend giving this a good listen, or ten good listens) in which they mentioned the Charles Eisenstein’s concept of “the space between stories”. I quickly realized that this is where I have been when I thought I was on the verge of something big but nothing materialized. I needed those experiences during “the space between”. It wasn’t in fact moving me backwards but helping to direct me to my calling.
Around six months ago I started having various random thoughts about different life experiences I’ve had in the form of what seemed less like thoughts and more of a message that I should share. My first impression was these thoughts would make for a decent Facebook post. I didn’t have time in the moment to write the post since they would come at the most random times, so I started quickly jotting the down ideas that would come to me. The more I thought, the more I realized these thoughts felt more like a blog posts. Maybe I should start a blog. Wait, who am I kidding, I don’t want to do that. What if people I know read it? What if people I don’t know read it? Do I really have anything of interest to share with the world? I think this is just for me anyway, a tool I could use to process through some difficult life experiences, kind of like journaling. That’s it, I’ll write it for me in a Word document, no need to share with the world. And that’s how God planted the seed. I couldn’t get the idea out of my head. I kept having thoughts come in of things I should share while doing the most mundane things, getting ready in the morning, washing dishes, reading an article that I had my own perspective on. They were flooding in constantly.
I still only had the idea of writing it for myself until around the beginning of January I attended a church event with a motivational speaker who spoke about goal setting, specifically New Year’s Resolutions. During the entire presentation I kept having the feeling I needed to start this blog. I ended discussing my feelings with a friend afterwards, telling her I’ve felt drawn to do this but feel almost as if it’s self promoting and really wondering if what I had to say would really help others. She asked if I had seen what she posted on Facebook that day, as I nodded my head I felt both my eyes roll and a smirk on my face saying, yes but I still don’t want to do it!
She said it may help others who need to hear what you have to say. I’ve had this feeling for awhile as well and hope that what I have to say may do just that. I also recalled a podcast I had listened to awhile back in which one of the hosts was describing the trauma she experienced giving birth to her first child in the previous year and that it was still difficult for her to talk about. She stated basically the birth hadn’t gone according to plan and even though someone else may not consider it traumatic or others had had it worse, it was still her story and difficult for her. I can’t describe the relief this brought to me. Even though I knew I’ve had some difficult life experiences and others have had it so much worse, it’s been traumatic for me and has caused some major life disruptions. However, I wouldn’t trade these experiences for an easier path. It’s made me who I am today which is a much stronger and understanding person than I ever would have been without them.
Even with all of this, I was still resistant, in fact I didn’t even know how to start a blog but I’m sure I could certainly Google it, yet a couple more weeks passed and I didn’t. Then one day, I opened my email and there it was, an email from a fitness and nutrition blogger I follow notifying me of a post she had written titled “How to Start a Blog”. I guess that’s how callings work. Ignore them all you want but they won’t leave you alone until you give in. I can give so many more little examples of how I’ve been inspired to do this, but what really matters is I’m listening to the calling.
I don’t claim to be any sort of professional writer and my grammar skills, or lack thereof, most likely will drive any English major to tears but I’m hoping this can be overlooked. I’m not exactly sure where this will lead but I know there’s a reason I need to do this. My hope is that if what I have to say is able to help one person through the darkness that I have experienced, it’s worth it to me to overcome my fears and share my story with the world. So as one of my favorite songs “Wake Me Up” states, “all this time I was finding myself and I didn’t know I was lost”. Maybe this is the beginning of finding myself, even though I had no idea just how lost I was. Maybe this will help us all to find our way through to the path we have been called to follow.